I couldn't bring myself to blog the past few weeks. I knew I should, because I knew there were so many parents who could relate to what I was going through. But there were just too many ups and downs to keep up and I was so exhausted I just couldn't drag myself to my keyboard and put it out there.
I'm going to give the "Glee", this-is-what-you-missed-in-last-week's-episode rundown of the events of the past few weeks:
Daughter went to rehab. Daughter loved rehab. Daughter doing well in rehab. After 9 days, Daughter called mom saying how happy she was that she was in rehab. Next day while mom relaxing at movies with ringer off, daughter left rehab. Mom, step-dad, sister, and dad went looking for daughter and couldn't find her. Mom got phone call at 5:00 AM from convenience store clerk that daughter seen in area. Mom, dad, brother, step-mom go to area and find daughter. All of the prior mentioned try to talk Daughter into going back to rehab. Daughter wouldn't go. Daughter walked away. Mom's heart broke.
Next day Daughter gets arrested. Daughter tells mom and dad she's ready to go back to rehab. After 2 days in jail, mom and dad pick daughter up when she gets let out and take her back to rehab. Daughter has lots of ups and downs and calls mom every friday, like clockwork and says she wants to leave rehab. But Daughter stays in rehab for 30 days. This week, Daughter coming home.
And that's what you missed on
She's coming home Tuesday. She's scared. I'm scared. She's scared of relapsing and I'm scared I can't prevent her from relapsing.
But the thing is, I'm learning that it's her recovery. Only she can make the choices she needs to make to stay clean. She has all the tools she needs. And we'll help her get to the tools (meetings, therapy, etc) but ultimately, it's up to her.
So, I'm trying to let go and let her recovery be her recovery and my recovery be my recovery. It's really hard to do. I want to fix it for her but I can't. I want her to climb in bed with me while I stroke her hair and tell her it's ok, it was all just a bad dream, like I used to do when she'd get scared at night.
But it's not a dream. It's all very real.
I'm learning that admitting it's real is a very big step for all of us. Also, admitting that it's an incurable, but treatable disease is critical to her recovery. It's treatable. It's manageable. She has to manage it. Like diabetes or heart disease.
I have to admit that I'm still kind of a mess. I have this lump of anxiety in me that just doesn't go away. And I cry all the time. Even on the good days when she seemed to be doing well in rehab, I would stress and worry.
It's the fear. I'm afraid of all the things that could go wrong instead of being happy, in this moment, for the things that are right. I'm trying to get past the fear. I'm trying to remember that fear is just False Expectations Appearing Real. It's being afraid of things that haven't happened. It's being afraid of what's to come.
I know she has it too. She probably fears letting us down. Letting herself down. It's a heavy load for her, I'm sure.
I'm proud of her though. She did make it through her 30 days and I've seen changes in her. Things seem to have clicked for her in her last week there.
So, now it's leg 2 of her journey. She has to use the tools she's been given to stay clean and take small steps forward everyday. One day at a time.
It's leg 2 of my journey too. I'm
It's a very difficult thing for a co-dependent person to do, but I'm trying.
I just want to share this beautiful dance that Travis Wall choreographed in a past season of "So You Think You Can Dance". He dedicated it to his mother, who was ill and was going through a difficult time, and it portrays how he helped her, or wished he could help her.
I think it portrays how anyone, especially a parent, feels as they watch their loved one go through a difficult time. Sometimes we can help them up, and sometimes we can only wish we can help them. But however you take it, it's just a beautiful dance. Fast forward to about the .53 mark in the video to skip the pre-talk.
On another note, my older daughter is choreographing a dance dedicated to her sister which she'll be performing in a few weeks. I hope to be able to post it if I can get good video of it.
On another 'nother note, my older daughter was in a rollover accident on her way to work, and came out of it with just stitches in her elbow. She had taken her seatbelt off for a moment to grab something from the backseat. She was so very, very lucky not to have been thrown from the car!
Life sure does have it's ups and downs, doesn't it?