Thursday, March 31, 2016

How The GIF Are You Today?

I love using GIFs in my blog posts.

I read somewhere that using GIFS is a crutch writers use when their writing isn't particularly interesting or funny.

I don't agree.

No matter how funny your post is, a GIF is only going to make it funnier, and of course the GIFs make it more interesting. They add a visual element to the post that complements the words and make the post that much more engaging.

So whoever said that, off with your stuffy self!

That being said, when I saw Mama Kat's prompt to share seven GIFS that best describe how you're feeling today, I was all kinds of on board.

 1. I'm feeling like I really need to get my eating habits under control.

Sloth eating slowly GIF
At least he's eating vegetables.


A plate of chips and salsa here, an Oreo McFlurry there, here a donut, there a drumstick...

E-I-E-I-O.

That's what I say when I look at myself getting into the shower. Actually, I try really hard not to. Look, that is.

What I say is more like "EEEEEEEEE!" You know, shrieks of terror and disgust.

So I feel like I need to do something about that. Soon.

2. I'm feeling like I'm not getting any closer to my dream of living in a travel trailer.

The Long Long Trailer Lucy in the kitchen trying to cook scene GIF
Note to self: Don't try to make dinner when the trailer is moving.


I'd move today except for 1) we don't own one yet and 2) we have no source of income while we're on the road.

I'm supposed to be working on the second one but I get distracted and end up doing other stuff on the computer instead.

I need to get my butt in gear.

3.  I'm feeling like it should be Friday.

Winnie the Pooh Rabbit tired GIF

'Nuff said.

4. I'm feeling excited the hubs and I are taking a road trip in May.

Dog on road trip with wind in face GIF
This messes up the hair, but is exhilarating.


Our 13th wedding anniversary is in May so we're going to our favorite quick getaway spot - Zion National park in Utah.

Nothing like a road trip to someplace beautiful to inspire and motivate you and my husband is my favorite person to take one with. (With which one to take? That just doesn't sound right.)

I love road trips with my sister too, but she makes fun of my menopause moments, so I'm bumping her to second fav. Sorry sis. Also, the hubs reads my blog and my sis doesn't so...


5. I'm also feeling excited that our annual family camping trip is coming up.

Guys by campfire dancing GIF
I think they're repelling bears.


It's the topic of nightly group texts among my brother, sister, uncle, and me. And, much to his dismay, hubby Fred.

We discuss noteworthy things like what kind of bear spray to use, whether it's bad etiquette to bring a metal tub and take a bath in the middle of your campsite, and if it's really true you should blow air into worms to make them float.

It's important stuff and worthy of the 395847 phone dings I get every few minutes whenever someone chimes in with a tidbit of camping wisdom.

We don't swing our heads around like these guys (although there was that one year we danced around the fire with glow sticks), but we do have a great time reconnecting with each other and disconnecting from the rest of the world.

6.  I'm feeling tired today.

Ferret yawning sleepy GIF
Just five more minutes.


I woke up at 2:30 AM this morning and couldn't go back to sleep for a while.

What is it about the middle of the night that brings up every negative thought in your brain?

Every perceived failure, every to-do, every Debbie Downer thought you've ever had all year - they all want to party in your brain in the middle of the night.

Hence, tired.

7.  Despite the negatives...I'm feeling grateful for the positives.

Monkey smiling with lipstick GIF
A little lipstick makes everything better.


I mean really...my little complaints about dieting, not sleeping well, and my unfulfilled travel trailer dream are nothing compared to many others.

I have food, a bed, and a car. Not to mention the hubs and I have jobs. We can even getaway to take a short trip every so often.

Really, life is very good. I'm reminded of this when I open my blinds in the morning and see the sun. It always makes me smile and think of the things to be happy about for the day.

Enough about me. How are you feeling today?

Gifily,
Lori


Monday, March 28, 2016

Does Buying a Smart Car Make You Smarter?

We bought a car this weekend.

We didn't know we were going to buy a car. We were just going to "look for a car."

Hubby Fred's car has been on its last wheels for quite some time now. I've just been waiting for that call at 6:30PM on a work night, that I need to to go rescue him from some point on his route home from work, because his car finally died.

Since I'm in my pajamas with a glass of wine in my hand by 5:30, that would be terribly inconvenient for me.

For that reason, I've been pushing encouraging him to get on the "let's look for a wagon" wagon. He finally agreed it was time.

Car shopping for Smart Cars. How do you know when a Smart car is right for you.


It began with an online search (as most things do). We didn't want to spend a lot and didn't want a huge car payment so when I ran across a nearby dealership that had some Smart cars for sale for about $7000, we decided to check it out.

The hubs has a fascination with Smart cars. You know, those tiny little two door things that look like a shuttle pod or something?

Is a "shuttle pod" a thing? I don't know. But the fact the car looked like something related to space was a definite selling point. He can imagine he's blasting around the universe like Luke Skywalker while on his 30 minute drive to work.

Los in Space pod model
Apparently, this isn't real. My first clue was that the site it came from was called Mr. Whiskers. I think it's a kit of a contraption from Lost in Space.
See the resemblance?

Smart Fortwo car two seater

Okay, so they look nothing alike. The point is, the hubs likes compact transportation as much as he does compact living quarters. It's why he loves RVs and trailers so much.

The funny thing is my husband is 6'3". I told him if we do get a Smart car, his license plate needs to be YESIFIT.

He was amused, but said it wasn't very flattering.

He was not amused when I suggested CLWNCAR.

We decided to buy the car in the picture, which was the first car we looked at. I'm sure that breaks all the rules of car buying, but Fred liked it, it was the right price, and we didn't want to spend our Saturday driving all over the place, looking at a bunch of cars, only to come back and buy the first car we saw anyway.

Then the real fun started. Why does it take so mother flippin' long to buy a car?

There wasn't really any negotiating at our end. According to google, it was priced fairly so we didn't try to talk them down, and we qualified fine. Yet, it was five hours later before we drove off the lot.

That gave us plenty of time to hop on this and pretend we were aging hippies on a road trip.

Can-am three wheeler
For a mere $17,000 this could have been ours.


I would have got a picture of us on it but about that time a manager and salesman came over with a "You sit on it, you buy it" look on their face.

I wanted to ask if they could supply helmets and a wind machine and snap a picture of us, looking like we're racing down the highway, but they didn't look like they would play along with that.

Aside from planting our butts on things that didn't belong to us, we had to entertain ourselves however we could while we waited to get into the finance office. The TV in the waiting room was showing Ridiculousness, so hubby Fred was happy.

While I waited, I googled for more information about the car and found out it's a Smart Fortwo, which I told Fred.

Only I pronounced it FORT-WOE. It's supposed to be FOUR-TOO. As in, a car built FOR TWO.

I felt pretty stupid.

But not as stupid as when I was explaining to Fred that the reason they came up with the name "Smart" is because Mercedes and a company named Snatch, that makes watches, decided to make a car together.

When he looked at me like this, I realized I said something wrong.

Looking shocked reaction GIF
The company is called WHAT?


It's Swatch, not Snatch.

I'm not sure how Mercedes + Swatch = Smart, but it's better then Mercedes + Snatch. Because I'm pretty sure that's what got Hugh Grant in trouble 20 years ago.

I was glad when we finally finished everything and could go. I have to say that as car buying experiences go, it wasn't bad, other than taking forever. Our salesman was a cute young guy with aspirations to be a boxer. He was very polite (and don't I sound 70 saying that?).

At one point we made small talk about Breaking Bad and the new prequel spinoff, Better Call Saul. This is relevant a few paragraphs down.

As we were leaving the finance office, I realized neither the salesman nor the finance guy ever answered my question about where we can take the car for service, since it was still under the manufacturer's warranty.

"Who do I call if we need service?" I asked the salesman.

"You better call Saul," he replied, obviously very proud of his joke. "Bwahhahahahahaha!" he guffawed at himself.

It didn't help matters that my husband guffawed right along with him (because Ridiculousness).

Ummm. Seriously, guys. Who do we call for the warranty?

I never did get an answer. Since it's a Mercedes product, I suppose we have to bring it to a Mercedes dealership for service while it's under the warranty.

That should be interesting - the girl who's dream home is a travel trailer trying to fit in at a Mercedes dealership.

Rich girl and Clampett at a Mercedes dealership
If you aren't picking up on it, I'm the one in the hat.


In case you're wondering why we would buy a tiny little two seater car for my 6'3" husband, here are a few reasons:

1.  It's inexpensive.
2.  It's super great on gas. Like, 50 miles to the gallon or something.
3.  He fits in it just fine. Once you're inside it, it feels like a regular sedan. You forget it's so small.
4.  Why have a backseat if you never use it? I mean really, if it's just you in the car, how often are you aware that you even have a back seat? It's wasted space so why pay for it?
5.   We can have a newer car for a tiny payment.

So I feel pretty good about our decision. It's supposed to be 60 mile an hour winds here today, so this will be a good test of how it drives in those conditions.

Hope hubby Fred doesn't blow off into space on the way home.

Then again, he'd probably like that.

So...how was your weekend?

Snatchingly,
Lori


Monday, March 21, 2016

Fractured Weekend Post About Nothing

I learned no fascinating news from the Sunday paper this weekend. And nothing exciting happened at our house. So basically, this is a post about nothing.

Yup, I really know how to draw in the readers.

The only thing mildly interesting is that I may have another compression fracture in my back. It may or may not have happened while I slept Thursday. All I know is I woke up Friday morning with the familiar pain. I tried to convince myself I slept wrong, but as the day wore on...well, I'm pretty convinced it's a fracture.

I go to my spine doctor (and I'm sure there's a more proper medical term for that, but I don't feel like googling it) Tuesday morning for an X-ray to find out for sure.

I have this thing I do after I get a fracture. I binge watch House, M.D.

I suppose it's because I wish I had a Dr. House in the house. Minus the obnoxious bedside manner and the way he almost kills his patients before successfully diagnosing them.

I just want a doctor who cares. Someone who writes all my symptoms up on a whiteboard and brainstorms with his team what the problem could be. Does that actually happen?

House MD, Hugh Laurie writing on whiteboard.
I don't have those symptoms. Putrid discharge and multiple abscesses? Yikes! I'll stick with fractures. Goes to show you that someone else is always worse off than you. (image source)


Instead, I get Dr. Not Home.

"Your case is very unusual. Here, this medication will help but you can only take it for two years because after that it causes bone cancer. Oh, and when you stop taking it, your bones go right back to how they were before you started it so then we'll have to give you another medication that probably won't help because you don't have the the problem that this medication is best for but we don't know what else to give you."

I'm paraphrasing, but that's the gist of what they tell me.

In other news, Fred came in from the garage Saturday and said he saw "Something really big crawl under the washer."

That started the following conversation:

Me: "What was it?"
Fred: "I don't know, a big spider or a lizard."
Me: "Well was it a spider or a lizard?"
Fred: "I don't KNOW. It was big."
Me: "Did it have a tail?"
Fred: "I don't know, I only saw legs."
Me: "How many legs?"
Fred: "I only saw two hind legs."
Me: "Spider legs are very different from lizard legs."
Fred: "It was fast and I was traumatized. I'm not sure what it was."
Me: "Well how big WAS it?"
Fred: "Big enough that I don't want to go out there anymore."

Fabulous.

We could have a tribe of half lizard, half spider creatures planning an uprising under the washer.

Giant spider planning to take out housewife.
Don't you wonder if I have better things to do than put captions on spider pictures? (image from Pixabay)


See, I told you this post was about nothing.

One thing that cheered me up from my pain and unknown garage cratures was that our landscape guy came and did the front and back yard. We don't have a big yard and it's mostly rock, but the rocks needed raking and there were some weeds and tree debris around. It always looks so nice when they're done.

Backyard rock and desert landscaping.
I sit out here and watch the hummingbirds like an old lady.


My husband once hugged our landscaper. He said it just felt right. I think that gives you an idea of just how much the hubs hates yard work.

Despite my back, I did get out to a birthday party this weekend. The mom of a friend of my daughter's (Sissa, the one in India) turned 50 and although I don't know her well, I wanted to go and wish her a happy 'nother year around the sun.

Whenever I go to an event, I'm reminded of how socially awkward I am. I really am. If I can help in the kitchen or something, I'm fine. I feel useful. And I did help make margaritas because I guess something about me screams "Put that girl in charge of the booze!"

But if I don't know the other people there, I never know what to say or do. They had a karaoke machine and the birthday girl's husband was singing and I was trying to slip out early, but I had to get my taboulah bowl sitting on the buffet table right by the karaoke machine. So I had to cross in front of him to get it.

It was shortly after that when I realized he was singing a song dedicated to his wife, who was sitting on the couch across from him. And I had just crossed between them TWICE to get my damn Tupperware. Actually four times because I realized I had forgotten the lid and went back for it!

How self-absorbed could I be?

Panda acting awkward and embarrassed GIF
Aww, man, I feel so STUPID!  (giphy.com)


And the hubs and I wonder why the party invitations aren't rolling in.

So that's my exciting weekend. Fractures, Dr. House binge watching, strange creatures in the garage, and awkward party behavior.

How was your weekend?

Awkwardly,
Lori

Friday, March 18, 2016

Five Willy Nilly Friday Fragments #5

Yay, It's Friday again!

Time for Five Willy Nilly Friday Fragments from the week!

Five Willy Nilly Friday Fragments image


1. Tangled

No, not the enchanting cartoon. Tangled, as in the much less enchanting and very annoying carfuffle my dog walking has become.

We have four dogs, but the littlest guy used to not want to go with me on our walks. He'd only walk with Mr. Wonderful. So I had a system down pretty well to walk the other three. Oh, there were some mishaps, especially getting out the door with all of them, but I could handle it pretty well.

Now the fourth has decided he wants to come too. Our walk has become a complete cluster-you-know-what of tangled leashes and dogs.

And God help me when one of them poops and I have to reign in all four of them with one hand (all yanking on me, of course) while carefully scooping up poop with the other hand. Oh, the neighbors must love that little show.

I try to get nice pictures of nature and the pretty sky, but no. It's hard to do that with dogs tugging your hands. All my shots are blurry. I gave up and decided to focus on the tangled leashes, which occurs 564893 times during the course of a walk.

Dogs getting tangled on their walk collage


2.  Oreos

Have you tasted these? I picked up a bag last weekend and Oh. My. Flab. Are they ever good! After eating half the bag, I forced Fred to take them to work and share them with his co-workers so I wouldn't eat them anymore.

Cinnamon Bun Oreo cookies
Source

3.  Swimsuit Season

I made this the other day, to use in a blog post. Dieting has weighed heavy on my mind this week (see what I did there?) so I'm sharing it again. Refer to #2 above.

Also, Game of Thrones will be back soon and I can't wait. That show is as addicting as the Oreos. Do you guys watch it?

Game of Thrones image Stark

4.  Conversation Snippets

Mr. Wonderful shares all sorts of facts with me. I love him dearly, but there's only so much information I can take about World War II, Lord of The Rings, and space.

Funny quote about husbands and World War II trivia


5.  Mesmerizing Music

A blogger I recently discovered wrote a fabulous post about how, as bloggers, we each have gifts to share. She included a video in her post that brought tears to my eyes and I have to share it. Thanks to Kathleen at The Blogger's Lifestyle for posting this.

His name is Geoffrey Gurrumul Yunupingu and he's an Australian aboriginal musician. Have you heard of him? I hadn't but I'll be looking for him on itunes because I need to hear more of this. He was born blind and wanted to learn guitar as a child but had no one to teach him. So he taught himself. He's left handed and only had a right handed guitar to learn on, so he learned to play it upside down and plays it that way to this day. 

Hope you enjoy this.



Have a wonderful weekend all you gifted people!




Thursday, March 17, 2016

I Don't Know Jack...But He Knows Me

My hubby does his best to protect me from the world. He tries. But I've always been a trusting soul.

I should really spell that "sole" because there have been a time or two when I've felt like a heel as a result.

See what I did there? Sole. Heel. I crack myself up.

I Don't Know Jack But he Knows Me. Warning blog post about late night phone scams.


Anyhoo, one of those times was back in 2001, in the early months of dating my now husband.

I got a call in the middle of the night from the "Nevada State Police." The caller claimed they had found a body of a dead male with no identification and my phone number in his pocket.

Of course, I was all:

Shocked and emotional reaction GIF
What? A dead body? Oh my stars! (giphy.com)

I mean, I had a boyfriend, what if it was him? I had a brother, what if it was him?

I have to tell you, I was a little freaked out.

Then the caller asked for my name.

If I hadn't been such a trusting sole, and so shocked at the whole dead body thing, I might have been a little more skeptical, and reacted like this:

What you talking about Willis? Reaction GIF
Whatchu talkin' about - my name? YOU called ME, don't you know my name?

Really, you would think that my first clue something "just ain't right", was the fact that the call came in collect.

Since when do police officers call people collect?

But we've already established I wasn't thinking rationally. I just figured with budget cuts, the poor old Nevada State Police just couldn't afford to pay for their phone calls.

Made perfect sense at the time. Sort of.

So, I dutifully supplied my name.

Chelsea Handler saying That is stupid reaction GIF.
Yeah, Chelsea, ya think? Hey, here's an idea...slap a little makeup on!


I know. I'm an idiot.

The caller told me they were going to investigate further into the identity of the body and would call me back if he needed anything else.

A few minutes later he called back. He said they ran my name through a database to check my record and it came back that there was a warrant for my arrest because I had written bad checks.

Do you know what I said next? Because giving my name wasn't enough? I said, "How can that be? I don't write bad checks! I work for a bank."

Reaction GIF of exasperated frustrated woman doing a facepalm
Could I have BEEN. ANY. STUPIDER?

Yup, I told him where I worked. A bank, no less.

I just know on the other end of the line, the beady-eyed trickster was going, "CHA-CHING!  WE GOT US A LIVE ONE! AND SHE AIN'T TOO SMART NEITHER!"

Then the caller said since there was a warrant out, they had no choice but to send out an officer to arrest me and that if I had kids, I should arrange for a babysitter. He asked if by any chance, was I there alone?

And what do you think I said?

Yup. I admitted I was home alone with my kids.

Rachel from Friends saying You Idiot reaction GIF
Rachel's right. I AM an idiot.

The caller said something I don't remember, pertaining to the fact that officers were on their way to arrest me and hung up.

I sat there, with the crap scared out of me, thinking I'm about to be arrested for writing non-existent bad checks.

Meanwhile, I still was wondering who the poor sap was who had died and had my phone number in his pocket.

Now might be a good time to point out that I didn't just go around, all willy-nilly handing out my phone number to every guy I met.

I know that's hard to believe, given all the other information I so freely gave the collect caller, but really...I didn't.

Finally, I decided it was time to call my boyfriend (my now hubby) and let him know what had happened and that if he didn't hear from me for a few days, it was because I was in jail.

I rattled off the events, clearly upset, and he said, "Lock the door, don't answer the phone, don't answer the door. Don't DO ANYTHING. I'm coming over."

That made me feel a little better. Maybe he could vouch for me when the police came to take me away.

The phone rang again, and I answered (Yeah, that not listening to hubby thing continues to this day).

It was the same guy. This time he said that if I would be so kind as to give him my bank account information in order for them to be able to verify that the bad checks were not actually mine, then we could get this whole messy matter cleaned up in a few minutes.

Woman saying Yeah Right reaction GIF
Yeah, Riiiight.

At last, a red flag was raised in my trusting brain.

I might have been born in the dark, but it weren't yesterday. This may surprise you, given all of the other details I so readily proffered, but I DID know enough not to give out my bank account information.

I was one sharp cookie and they weren't gonna pull a fast one on me, no sirreee. I would proceed with caution now. I was onto them.

At this point, I finally asked for the officer's name.

He said Mehoff (I heard it with the h).

I said, "Officer Mehoff?"

He said yes.

Do you know what I said next?  It was what any sharp, not born in the dark, street-wise person would have said:

"What's your first name?"

To which he replied, "Jack."

I dutifully wrote it down. Last name, Meehoff. First name, Jack. Got it.

Really? Reaction GIF
Really? You idiot trusting sole...you're still not getting this? Said a snarky inner voice that I wasn't listening to.

I informed the gentleman that I would have to call him back after I verified the information.

After I hung up the phone, my now-husband-then-boyfriend arrived. I breathlessly related the events, quite proud of myself that I had asked for the name of the officer. I showed him the piece of paper where I had carefully written it down.

My husband tells me still to this day, that it was at that moment he knew he must marry me. He all at once felt it his obligation to protect me from the world. I'm not sure if that's a nice way of saying he pitied me or not...but here we are.

He said, "Honey, read the name, first name, then last name."

I replied, "Jack Mehoff."

He said, in an incredulous tone, "Honey?"

I read it again, "Jack Me...oh."

Jack. Me. Off.

SONOFA...

And to think if it weren't for my now-husband-then-boyfriend's arrival at that moment, I would have actually called the police department and asked if they had an officer by that name.

Brad Pitt from Burn After Reading, on phone laughing, reaction GIF
"Can I help you?" "Yes, Jack Meoff, please."

"Officer Mehoff" called one more time. This time, Fred answered in his "We ain't f*ckin' 'round no mo' " voice.

Big dude threatening reaction GIF
Yeah, that's right. You BEST hang up, you white punk sissy ass.

Needless to say, at the sound of an intelligent, male, threatening voice, the caller hung up and never called back.

No cops came to arrest me. Big surprise.

I didn't have a cell phone back then, so I had to wait until the phone bill came in the mail to see where the call came from.

It was a Kentucky prison.

And to add insult to injury, I was charged for the call!

I called the prison and told them what happened and the date and time of the call and they said they had records to see who was using the phone at that time and he would be reprimanded.

Take that, JACK!

Actually, I don't know what "reprimanded" meant. When the convict told the story of how gullible I was, they probably all had a good laugh, including the prison guards.

I filed a police report about the incident. It was a little embarrassing to explain to the officer taking my complaint that although I was familiar with the term "Jack Meoff", to hear it last name first just didn't click in my brain.

Somewhere in a cell in a Kentucky prison there's  a beady-eyed inmate named Bubba just waiting to get out so he can come visit me because I was nice enough to give him my name and address.

Comic of convict in prison looking through a phone book.
Bubba AKA Officer Jack Mehoff
So, my friends, the lessons learned here is this: Don't accept a collect call from a prison unless you actually know someone in prison.

Also, anything you do that's this stupid will forever be fodder for your spouse to use against you. Anytime I want to give someone the benefit of the doubt, my husband says, "Remember Jack Mehoff?"

I will never. live. this down.

I Don't Know Jack, But He Knows Me. A warning blog post about telephone scams.
If you like it, put a pin in it! That means...please pin on Pinterest!


This enlightening story is actually a slightly modified excerpt from an equally riveting, but slightly longer story I wrote back in 2011, when someone stole my credit card information. You can read the full post here, if you are so inclined.

Naively,
Lori

P.S. This post is brought to you by Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop and the prompt: Write about a time you were tricked. Also brought to you by the Friday Frivolity link up over at Devastate Boredom and the Blogger Pit Stop.

Oh, and if you liked this story, please share it on Facebook! My stupidity might help someone else feel better about themselves.



Monday, March 14, 2016

Now I'm Thinking about Purpose in Life. I Just Shouldn't Read the Sunday Paper.

Reading the Sunday paper prompts all sorts of musings. Last Sunday it was Stone Age curvy Barbie and the two minute rule. This week it's purpose.

More specifically, having a purpose in life.

Cat stalking mailman at front door.
(gratisography.com)
I read an article about a local woman who takes in sick or injured hummingbirds and makes them well and releases them back into the wild. She has a Facebook page with lovely pictures of hummingbirds. Here's what a hummingbird nursery looks like:

Baby hummingbirds around a feeder.
Hummingbird babies learning to eat. How stinking cute is this?? (Source)
Hummingbird babies have to be hand fed every ten to twenty minutes. Talk about being chained to your house! But this woman does whatever it takes to save these little guys.

Then there's the lady who races all over the state of Nevada, tracking wild mustangs to make sure they are treated humanely. The ranchers don't like her much because they don't like the mustangs. They think government land is only for their private livestock to graze on, and they don't want the mustangs noshing on it.

So this brave woman makes no bones about standing up to the ranchers and the government and anyone else who is mistreating the horses. It seems to be her whole life's purpose.

And there I sat with my McDonald's coffee (that my husband went and got for me), reading the paper and snapping pictures of my cat for Instagram.

I get excited when I clean off my desk or get a blog post up. Or when a new episode of Better Call Saul is on.

I haven't saved hummingbirds or horses or anything else. Well, maybe saved a few dogs from an unknown fate... but I don't think that's quite the same thing.

So I wondered: Is my life not purposeful if I don't have a purpose?

And didn't I sound like Carrie Bradshaw just then? "I couldn't help but wonder..."

Carrie Bradshaw has to think of something to write. Animated GIF.
I couldn't help but wonder... Are all men freaks? (giphy.com)
I'm not counting the time I've spent raising my kids. If I managed to raise three humans who are making the world a better place in any way at all, that was purposeful.

But the kids are all grown up, so how am I purposeful now?

...

Still thinking.

...

Cleaned my office, took the dogs to the park with the hubs, made dinner, came back to my desk to finish this post... and still thinking.

...

I got nothin'.

Well... nothing more than the ordinary everyday things, like taking care of my dogs and husband. or helping my family and grown kids when they need it.

I make my boss's life easier and am pretty good at making customers happy.

I would help out our neighbors, if they would ask me. They pretty much stay clear of us though, as you know.

Sometimes I give bags of food to homeless people. The hubs doesn't like when I do that because I could be enabling a drug addict, and I know that's true, but I can't help myself.

I let people go in front of me in traffic and at the grocery store.

I smile at strangers.

I told a girl at the bank she was stunningly beautiful last Saturday and she said it made her day.

I volunteered at a homeless women's shelter for a few months once. I served food in the cafeteria.

They were surprisingly picky eaters.

They would often comment that the food was better across the street at St. Vincent's. They got miffed when I rationed out the ranch dressing so there would be enough for everyone.

Orange is the New Black animated GIF.
Oh no you didn't just bogart the ranch dressing! (giphy.com)
Not exactly Mother Teresa.

So what's my point here? I don't really know.

Maybe it's what Einstein said (or what's been attributed to Einstein - there's actually no proof he said this):

Albert Einstein quote about life.
(Source)
Much of what I do in life IS for others, and that makes me happy. I'm not changing the world, but maybe just my little corner of it, in my own little ways.

That's all well and good, but clearly... there's room for improvement.

So I'm going to try and do better.

As long as it doesn't take too much time because I have silly posts like this to write and T.V. shows to watch and, you know... stuff to do.

Just kiddin'.

Purposefully,
Lori

P.S. No hummingbirds or horses were harmed in the writing of this post. But the craft of  serious, intelligent writing was.


Wednesday, March 9, 2016

Our Bedroom Games



Hubby and I like to have fun in the bedroom.  Here's a few games we play that really liven up the night!


Three Games for Couples to play in the bedroom to liven up the night.


Number of players:  Two, if you are counting humans.  four - six if you count the dogs.

Rules:  None whatsoever.

Be forewarned that Player #2 will look at Player #1 just like this throughout all three games.

Man looking incredulous at his wife's antics.


The What What Game


Man and woman in bed surprised.


How to play:  

Player #1 (usually always me) sits up suddenly in bed, out of a dead sleep and says alarmingly, "What??" 
Player #2 should answer and sound very concerned, "What??" 
Player #1, while still in her sleep stupor, should repeat, "What??" 
Bewildered player #2 should shout "What??!" again because judging from the nonsensical answer of player #1, she clearly did not hear him. 
Player #1, who is beginning to come to consciousness and now thinks it was player #2 who started the whole thing, should repeat,"What???"
Player #2 can either repeat his answer, or, if the game has been played several nights already, can shout, "NOT AGAIN! GO BACK TO SLEEP," and roll over and resume snoring.
Player #1, sleepy, but now conscious that something abnormal just occurred, should make a mental note to ask player #2 in the morning why he was shouting "What!" in the middle of the night for no apparent reason and should resolve to not let him eat spicy foods before bedtime anymore.

If the dogs are playing, once they have determined that no food products are involved, they should simply rotate their positions in the bed and go back to sleep.


The Alien Game

Aliens getting ready to do a butt probe.

How to play:  

Player #1, (usually always me) sits up out of a sound sleep, points to the wrought iron circular design of the headboard and declares it an alien butt.  Accompany the proclamation with questions such as, "Do you see that??"  and "Is that an alien butt??"  and "Do you see the alien butt??"
Player #2 should ask the obvious questions, in hopes of pulling player #1 out of her space dream and back to reality. Questions like, "Where??" or "What are you talking about??" would be appropriate here.
He should refrain from sarcastic answers like, "No, honey, that's only on Saturday nights."
He should do his best to assure player #1 that the headboard is not, in fact, an alien butt, before he rolls over and resumes snoring.
Player #1, upon sleepy realization that she is sitting up in bed should make a note to ask player #1 in the morning why in the world he woke her up in the middle of the night to tell her about his alien dream.

Variations:  Player #1 can point at random areas of the bedroom and declare that someone is standing there.  Player #2 can respond the same.

The Bedbug Game


Blue and green beetle close up with a cartoon bubble.


How to play:  

Player #1 (usually always me) should jump out of the bed and declare that there is a bug in the bed. 
Player #2, being used to the nighttime antics of player #1 should not move, but should just say, "You're dreaming - go back to sleep."
Player #1 should begin flapping the covers furiously in the hopes the bug will fly out.

At this time, the 2 - 4 dogs playing should look sleepily at player #1 and show some meager interest in the proceedings in case some food might be involved.

Player #2 should still not move, but he should say, "It was a dream - go back to sleep."
Player #1 should turn on the light and tell player #2 to help her look for the bug.
Player #2 should sigh, grumble, stand up, and begin a cursory search for said bug.
Player #1 should begin to come to an awareness that she is standing at the side of the bed slapping at the sheets for no apparent reason.  She should look at player #2 and ask him what's wrong and what is he looking for in the bed.
Player #2 should grumble some more, get back in bed and resume snoring. He should refrain from making comments about getting his own apartment.
Player #1 should turn out the light, get in bed, and make a mental note to ask player #1 in the morning why he was standing up in the bedroom in the middle of the night.

The dogs should rotate their positions in the bed and go back to sleep.

Not what you expected? Well I did say the games would liven things up in the bedroom, didn't I?

If you liked this post, please share on Facebook in case any other couples need to liven things up too!

Cheekily,
Lori

P.S. This post is brought to you by Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop and the prompt: Write a post inspired by the word "Sleep."


Monday, March 7, 2016

Swimsuit Season is Coming and the Dressing Rooms are Full of Terrors

I need to get my butt in gear.

I've been eating all the wrong things and in the wrong amounts and with warmer weather coming, I can't cover up the fact anymore.

Winter is coming meme spoof of Game of Thrones.

I was going to write this post yesterday, but I was sucking on Pull-apart Red Vines and eating Jellybeans all day and somehow that didn't give me the motivation to write about diets.

Go figure.

Before I started noshing on candy, I was reading the newspaper and there was an ad for Nutrisystem with Marie Osmond. Man, does she look great!

I'd post a picture, but I don't want to get sued for copyright infringement and I threw away the paper and didn't get a picture of the ad. But here's the Google search so you can see.

Doesn't she look fabulous?

So that gave me some motivation, but obviously not enough to keep my face out of the candy.

And the only reason I bought the candy is because of Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop. She had a prompt to write about your ten favorite candies, so a bunch of blogs I read on Friday were filled with pictures of candy, which made me crave it so bad I had to stop at the store after work and get some.

First thing to work on if I want to lose weight is definitely willpower.

After I was inspired by pictures of Marie Osmond in the newspaper, I read about how there were fat people in the Stone Age. Apparently this surprises people because supposedly they all ate a Paleo diet back then, which is a huge diet fad now and is supposed to keep you healthy and slim.

Stone Age figurine shows obesity existed even then.

I don't know why this fascinated me, but it did.

It's the Stone Age version of curvy Barbie. Only not as fun to play with because, hello...headless.

I'm waiting for the news that they discovered Stone Age bakeries. How else could those Paleo diet eating people have had obesity?

Somewhere back then was a cavewoman Oprah saying, "I've been down that road, honey child. I have bread. Every. Single. Day."

I was searching for the Oprah Weight Watcher's commercial to make my point but found this instead and it's way funnier:

Anyway... where was I?

Oh yeah, loosing weight.

So after I read about the fat Stone Age people, I saw an article about getting off your rear so of course I read it. While sitting on my rear.

It said if you trade just two minutes of sitting time per hour with two minutes of light activity (like housework), you cut your risk of dying by one-third.

One-third!

Those are pretty decent odds for just two minutes. I'm going to implement this into my day starting now. Even at work. There are many things I do for two minutes that I can trade off for getting up and walking around:

1.  Daydreaming about working from home.
2.  Daydreaming about living in a travel trailer.
3.  Daydreaming about winning the lottery.
4.  Daydreaming about anything but working.
5.  Giggling at my typos (like typing "dic appointment" instead of "doc appointment").
6.  Texting back and forth with Fred about how much we both just want to go home.
7.  Looking longingly at my scheduled vacation time on the calendar.
8.  Cursing at my computer when it freezes.

I'm sure there's more and I'll spend time at work thinking of them and add them later. Because I'm very productive that way.

I'll implement the two minute rule at home too. Just now, I got up and pulled out the leftover enchiladas from Chili's we had on Friday night and ate them standing up.

That took about two minutes.

This should be easy.

So my point in all of this is to say, I'm going to work on eating healthier and getting more exercise. I know what you're thinking - this isn't the first time I've written about this.

You're right. I have several rants about diets on my blog. A few of them are on Post-It notes. Remember Post It Note Tuesday? I loved that meme. I wonder if I could bring it back?

Anyway, diet rants. Yeah, I actually have lots of them. Just click the Stinkin' Diets category in my sidebar. Nevermind, here's the link if you care to peruse my diet failures.

Because THAT's so fascinating.

So yeah (and let's all take a drink every time I say "Yeah").  I'm dieting again. But as they say, try and try again. Or die trying. Or something like that.

Feeling Fat,
Lori

P.S. If you liked this post, please share it on Facebook so other fatties can laugh and we can all jiggle and shake together. Thanks.


Friday, March 4, 2016

Five Willy Nilly Friday Fragments #4

Happy Fr-i-i-DAY!

Source
Linking up with Five on Friday, Willy Nilly Friday and Friday Fragments for another end of the week round up of...things.

1. Hummingbirds

Hummingbirds on feeder at dusk taken with iphone.

I love watching the hummingbirds on our feeder when I get home from work. There's still a little light left in the day and it seems that's the time when the feeder is the busiest. They all want a last drink before the sun slips away, I suppose. I took this just with my iphone and had to enlarge the screen, so it's a bit grainy. I could watch these little guys for hours.

2. Bears

When I told my sister-in-law we are camping in bear country this year, she sent me this on Facebook. Nice. Thanks, sis.

Funny quote about camping where there's bears.

3. American Idol

Do you watch American Idol? Kelly Clarkson was a guest judge last week and performed her song Piece By Piece. Wow. It's about her father, who apparently abandoned her family when she was young. Wow. The words go straight to your heart and her performance is so real and emotional...it's just amazing.


4.  Spring

These little flowers are blooming in our yard now. We've only lived here 5 months so I didn't plant them but they're sure pretty. I googled and I think it's a Morning Glory bush, but I'm not certain. I can't wait to see what else blooms as spring comes closer.

Morning Glory bush blooming in spring with white flowers.

5. Comic

I guess it was an uneventful week because I don't have a current 5th thing today. So I'll share a comic I made a few years ago. Since it's mostly new readers visiting my blog these days you probably haven't seen it already. (Click the 4-arrow thingy in the lower right corner to make it bigger)



Have a great weekend, y'all!


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